Technicalities
July 6, 2001

*) One Final Attempt...

Well, it has been quite a while since the previous Technicalities.
Not one since the middle of May.  Maybe I figured that if I wasn't
sacked for putting one out on the day of a layoff, I'd have to go
further than even I was willing in order to get the boot.  Dammit,
after all the trouble I made and all the people who got axed, why am
_I_ the one leaving without getting severance?  Do you think it's
possible to get canned on your very last day?

*) Irritating

Not that I was entirely comfortable after the last issue.  I did get a
certain amount - more than usual - of static about that particular
missive.  Knowing as I do that I follow in the footsteps of the
world's artistic geniuses who were under-appreciated in their lifetimes
and harassed by the literary and political authorities, I am as ever
blithe.

No, what bothered me was that I screwed up a simple matter of fact in
my reportage.  At Tamara's going-away party, I said that it was Gary
Galvez who was the Unix admin who was getting all that grief from the
NT guys, when it was in fact Scott Soleas.  I have no intention of
entrenching the common misperception that the IT folks are all an
undifferentiated mass, like a flock seagulls, indistinguishable except
to each other or to those with expert training.  If I don't correct
that misapprehension, soon enough it'll be applied to those of us in
Tech.

(For example, it's easy to tell Danny Gumport from Ritesh Patel.  At
any given moment, Danny will be wearing a goofy grin, sitting in his
office wearing a phone headset like a reservation agent.  Ritesh is 4
inches shorter, brown, and probably sending an e-mail about some
summer sublet.)

*) The Lighter Side of Black Monday

I suppose there's no particular reason to rehash here the events of
the day of the last Technicalities.  I for one thought the whole thing
was done as well as could be expected, especially in comparison with
all the train wrecks I hear about at various dotcoms.  Accordingly,
I'll pause to take note of only two things:

First of all, I was pleased at how people here have a positive view of
endings.  The evening in the bar was one of our best nights out - a
party like an Irish wake!  It was a great deal of fun - a time when so
many good friends said goodbye to each other.

I also loved the perennially zenlike quality of our bonus program,
which computed that people deserved extra compensation on the same day
they got a pink slip.  Ah... the great mysteries... I can't wait to
hear what will happen this quarter.

*) Poetry In Motion

Since then it has been back to normal.  Thor out, Esther in - no time
for mourning folks, we have reseating to do!  I declined the
opportunity to be moved around again - though in retrospect I think it
would have been a nice final taste of the AGENCY.COM experience.  I'm
just bummed that I never got the chance to have a stint on 11.

*) Better Than Ever

So back to work it was.  The bulk of the tech department is engaged in
the Omnicom and Sirius projects, so there's actually quite a lot to
do.

Hey, the tech department is ALL OVER this utilization thing.
Teamliness is the key here and we are company men (and women) let me
tell you.  We can understand why the payroll was moved from June 30 to
July 1 - work in second quarter, pay in third: pretty darned clever,
if you ask me.  They were even trickier at Razorfish I heard - rumor
has it that people there got stock options as severance.

*) Scottish Thought Control

James McHugh has been maintaining a ranking of the level of
"corruption" of the members of the tech department.  The more
degenerate James deems your life to be, the higher your ranking.  For
example, Ritesh came in (by popular acclaim) most corrupt, with Peter
Gluck fighting his way into second.

There are those who think that this is an innocent pastime, but I have
uncovered James's sinister plot.  It's actually a clever ruse to
implement behavior control.  Everyone in the department is now
jockeying for position on the list.  For example, at my just-concluded
going-away shindig, Jamil Ellis and I (trying to climb) engaged in
various lap dances, while David Goodine and Ritesh (striving for
respect) simply bought beers for others.  (Peter - who was nearly
injured playing with an exploding pack over the recent holiday -
failed to attend, thereby doubtless falling in the ranking.)

James of course simply gets to watch, and adjust his ranking to
produce whatever result amuses him that week.

*) Absolutely 100% Gratuitous

There is no reason whatsoever - none at all - for me to mention Eugenia.

*) The First Peak Shall Be Last

So that is it my friends.  I am truly overwhelmed by the outpouring of
affection I have felt these last two weeks, and especially at the bar
just now.  (I wish I hadn't been so clever as to leave during a week
when so many people were away - I would have loved to have partied
with all of those who sent their regrets.  But it won't be my last
opportunity, I expect.)

I am not leaving the country, so everyone is welcome to keep in
touch.  My e-mail address is mgolden@mitchgolden.com - easy to
remember and it isn't going to change.

I want to tell everyone that still and all, I am a great fan and your
biggest booster.  I am leaving to go on to different things (a
psychotic like me has to change careers every five years or so) but I
am still here in spirit.  Remember, any company that will let someone
get away with writing stuff like Technicalities must indeed be a Great
Place To Work.

Plus you get those cool notepads.